You know the @ sign on twitter? i wish there was one of those in real life so that the smokin' hot guy at the bar would know the slutty unbuttoning of my shirt was directed @ him, not @ his friend who looks like Mickey Rourke post-face melting
When health care reform is passed, I'm throwing a kegger
You are the reason we need health care reform
I got a bikini wax for the first time today and I think I now understand feminism.
the bride spent most of the night apologizing to people she had punched earlier.
i think you ate grass..but you refused to open your mouth so we could see..
He wanted to put Kesha on after he came in my mouth. I had to draw some sort of trashy, gay line.
a cabby told me that vodka is the coors light of liquor, and then gave me his number
Also, the zoloft kicked in and I can't get an erection anymore. So I'm depressed.
i should teach a seminar on how to fall off the wagon
Yeah I made some freshmen feed me oddles of noodles and I passed out
Someone just told me I could double date with them and their dog as my date. This is why the suicide rates are so high at the holidays.
The girl that works the front desk at my gym invited me and my friend to come see her Tuesday during her shift at hooters because its her birthday. I still have a boner
Life hack: hotbox while in the car wash. It'll change your life.
WTF DOES CAROLINE HAVE GLASS IN HER FACE
As you were leaving you yelled at the owners that the stairs weren't suitable for "intoxacapated" people and promptly fell down them.
So I WAS right.
Randomize
