does the new i-phone have a pregnancy test app?
He told me he had more lines than a plaid shirt
Are we still dressing up as garden gnomes for halloween?
No. I would like to get laid again before I graduate.
Silently passing ghastly beer farts as I move around the bridal department at Tiffany's. Call it my contribution to the holiday spirit.
Because the last time i saw or spoke to him he came all over me in a hammock.
then they caught me trying to hide the turtle in the fridge
Did you get my bra back of the bartender?
I seriously think we need to revision your idea of 'keeping a low profile'
Remind me never to take that much Vicodin ever again. I laid in bed measuring my heart rate for an hour and a half because I was afraid it would stop.
Have you seen Dave? He's not on top of the bar anymore but I found his shirt.
Just got your message from Saturday. Shove all the kittens down your pants? Really?
I was emotionally compromised.
I'm in the line at Chipotle thinking: "What combo will best prepare my body for the open bar I'm going to subject it to tonight?"
I can't base my relationships off of good dick and dogs.
I just gave myself a foot massage. #SingleAsFuck
i got my period today. mid walk of shame and im wearing a shirt that says stay classy. my life is a joke.
Just found out my dad smokes weed too. Mom, grandma, all aunts and uncles, and now my dad too. It's like I'm genetically engineered to be a stoner.
Randomize
