Dear tim. Christina farted and it smells like kid roses.
And i generally try not to roofie people when I'm in a committed relationship.
Is a box of franzia too insincere of a gift for "i'm sorry I backed into your toddler with my car"?
Apparently, I woke him up at 4AM, and yelled "you're mad because we don't have sex," while grabbing his dick. Then immediately fell back asleep, dick in hand.
Just because he saw my boobs doesn't mean he knows me all of a sudden
you're like that jamaican tarat card reading chick... only with herpes
July 5th AKA Day of regret AKA picnicing in a laundromat. Someone puked allover the comforter. Liffe of champions.
Ice cream: Good. Fraternity: Good. Eating ice cream off a Skid Row bum's ass crack in order to get into a Fraternity: Homoerotic at best. I quit.
We had a deepthroating contest with breadsticks at Olive Garden
IM TRYING TO BE RESPONSIBLE AND ALL I WANT TO DO IS FUNNEL CHEAP BEER AND SCREAM ABOUT HOW MUCH I LOVE OUR NATION
I may not be his cup of tea, but I bet I'm his 10th shot of tequila
my favorite sex position is the one where no sex actually happens we just get really stoned and eat a lot and watch netflix in the dark
How will you ever teach your dogs to pee outside when the biggest puddle on your bedroom carpet is from you?
i think my cat just said my name.
My life has come down to me literally sitting on an uncrustables trying to defrost it because I’m drunk alone and hungry.
Randomize
