I just crawled out of a second story window using a sheet and his clothes for a rope so he wouldn't wake up.
I am so glad I watched Macgyver as a kid.
not only are you not the girl i fell in love with, but from the looks of it, you ate her
i should write a book entitled 'the joys of being sexually objectified'
I hate babysitting girls whose boobs are bigger than mine.
How do you tell if you're on the terrorist watch list?
Slut skills are useful in every country.
so the last visual we have of him for the next 87 weeks is him outside on the ground rolling around yelling I HATE BLOWJOBS
I'm having horrible flashbacks of being groped by Pauly Shore.
My mouth already tastes like senor cuervo took a piss in it and it's barely 1 am
Just talked a homeless guy out of suicide. Was rewarded with a garbage bag full of mountain dew bottles and zannies. Im such a good person
dude, i warned you that using a card to pay for my hotel room was a bad idea. You deserve the extra $600 in cleaning fees
For the record, just because I'm a mess doesn't mean I don't know what I'm talking about when I give you advice. I'm way better at other people's lives.
Just tried to dig out holes in my mattress for my boobs so I could be comfortable lying down on my stomach
you literally stared at me for three minutes and then said "hey this tequila isn't gonna drink itself, boss"
I haven't been drunk for four days and just realized I haven't taken a shit for three. This can't be healthy.
Which part?
Randomize
