you're bored at work aren't you?
I'm toying with the idea of beating off under my desk
LA Sucks. The only way i can get laid is if i tell people im at a law firm that represent film producers.
And when they figure it out, they act like IM shallow.
In your drunken brilliance did you make bagel with what appears to be mac and cheese smeared on top and pink icing dip? Because if so it is sitting on the counter
I want nothing more to get stoned and go to your little sisters petting zoo party but I need to have priorities
I offered you a bag but you said "I gotta break in the new carpet" and you puked all over the floor
If you wake up soonish don't worry. I took your dog to burger king and now we're going to see some nice girls.
Can we go to Home Depot next week? Drunk Kim broke my toilet with a hammer.
He doesn't care. He wouldn't care if my vag grew arms and smacked him in the face.
Two things: Why did I wake up in a pool of blood? And am I still invited to the wedding?
No idea. And yes be here at 4
In other news, I apparently ate my retainers while rolling last night.
I was just like oh sorry I'm peeling meanwhile my legs are on either side of his head and I look like a fucking Komodo dragon
His last name was woodcox? That just screams I've got a great penis
For future reference, when he drunkenly screams "YOUR MOTHER SUCKS COCKS IN HELL," he means that he's about to throw up. Invest in a bucket.
I'm going to get drunk, come back, call my grandma, and eat all those scrambled eggs.
Maybe singing about how you'd bang Morgan Freeman to the tune of Single Ladies while holding champagne and a box of Cheerios wasn't the best first impression on his parents
Randomize
