things that need to be invented #43: vodka that also acts as birth control.
Just so you're aware, tomorrow is "Slow Clap when you see Mike" day.
Somebodaw call 311 postw fire bunso on vietena floorwnkd
Nothing like an alcohol-fueled, 6-hour-long hunt for weed--complete with occasional breaks for sex.
do you want to shower with me?
only if we can drink the jungle juice while we shower
Strange request but for my birthday you should get me one of those vibrators that you can plug into your iPod that go along with the music.
My boyfriend sold my favorite shoes right off my fucking feet last night outside the bar. It might have played a part in our breakup today.
Lol I screamed "GOT AN ORDER OF VERSACE TACOS UP" and the whole kitchen was just like who the fuck is this kid
Next time I try to break into the police station drunk, please stop me.
Yeah, it was all very half-hearted. In the middle of sex we both just stopped and looked at each other and said, "can we just sleep instead?"
That is so sad.
My morning started with my mom giving me the number for a substance abuse councellor. How's your day going?
If I could drink as much and have the amount of sex he has at his age, well I'd probably be dead
Is it appropriate to send an apology gift to his roommates for breaking the bathroom sink during crazy sex?
3 words: harry potter burlesque. My life is so much more awesome than yours right now.
I think I deserve an award for the breakup text I sent him. Like a pulitzer prize or a donut or something.
Randomize
