I need a sticker that says "It's no use hitting on me - I'm the plus one" Seriously, how do they think I got in in the 1st place?
there seems to be a considerable amount of hair missing from my left hand. i may have lit it on fire again
Is it appropriate to put "Mommy and Daddys shitfaced-ness that led to Aubrey" on a birth announcement?
Well you two just had a kid in the middle of college, I dont think anyone will notice.
Thanks bro
Maybe he'll be famous someday and I can forget that anything embarrassing may have happened and just say that I fucked that famous guy.
It took me fifteen minutes to go from puking on my doorstep infront of my old lady neighbor to legit presentable person able to care for children. Bronzing powder and I deserve an award.
Nvm, he just almost drank his drink from last night, his drink that has the condom in it. Kinda answers my question.
I let my daddy issue flag fly free last night.
Security has videotape of her blowing the boss against his car. Don't they know he entire parking lot is under video surveillance?
We're exchanging our favorite porn sites at 9 am. I think this brings our relationship to a whole new level
I think my dove chocolate wrapper just told me to masturbate.
His 12 year old sister has bigger boobs than me and now that's all I can think about when we have sex
The impact your presence has on my vagina without even putting your hands on me is quite astonishing, impressive and a little disturbing.
Why let a Christmas Eve hangover ruin a perfectly good Christmas Day acid trip?
Woke up on my sisters couch, and it was like the start of a Terminator movie,my brother in law was passed out on the floor naked in the fetal position. We now call him Arnold. It was an epic night.
Just slather his penis with BBQ sauce
Randomize
