It's pretty bad when the convenient store clerk can tell you that you're earlier than usual for visiting the store.
I really like him. That's why I'm having sex with someone else, so he doesnt think i'm a slut.
When I saw him standing at full height, I realized exactly how much his body structure reminds me of his penis.
brass monkey on radio. cant stop dancing.
I'm doing a half mile walk of shame carrying a trash bag and still very drunk. Save me. I feel like a refugee.
using the left over highlighters from the blacklight party to study for finals. feeling the need to write insert penis here on my econ notes.
he came in the shower with me...i thought it was going to be nice and romantic...until he started peeing on my leg.
I mean you guys are my friends and all but if you fuck with me I will not hesitate to set you on fire
He added his name to my To Do list. That's the way to my Type A heart.
my whole checking account just had a funeral down bourban street, paid for that, and then bought everyone 5 shots of fireball...
This place is full of unfortunate mustaches.
Some girls mom just approved of me banging her on Fb.... For the whole world to see.. I'm officially a god.
Finally got with the virgin.
Yeah? Howd that go?
As soon as I got it all the way in, I looked deep into her eyes and said "your soul is mine" in the deepest voice I could make. She was not amused.
Just realized that I indirectly pay for sex through my cable bill
Wow. He is an expensive lay
I still have to figure out the cost per lay. It could be a financially sound investment
Hey, um, after thinking about it, I decided I really don't want to use applying olive oil to your ass for your fissure as part of foreplay because... well... really? Just read that again.
Randomize
