I think the sex offender registry is kind of a VIP list. You get to not live near noisy schools and parks and all your neighbors get to know you.
I acted like I was still sleeping as she gathered her stuff to leave.. that's when she let one rip
you went into starbucks asked for a mocha "on the rocks"
I'm so hungover i just sang the alphabet to see if "Z" comes after "W"
Just found out you can rent the rollerena for 100 bucks and you can bring your own beer... when are you free this week?
just had to take a 4 hour nap to write a one page paper. its obviously the week after winter break.
He was the drug dealer that jumped out of his car to get my number
It's like a new game! Find out if he's circumcised without actually seeing it
There is pretty much a target on everyone's lips when I am drunk. EVERYONE
He was trying to talk to me about standards while he had a french fry box on his hand like a glove and was using it to flatten his cheeseburger.
Haha no we did it on his bed. Then rolled off into the bean bag. It was a strangely athletic performance on my behalf.
I baked a frozen pizza completely, put it back in the plastic and box, and put it back in the freezer. THAT drunk.
I'm crying during the second episode of Golden Girls that's how high I am.
I woke up with my converse still on and a plate of pasta next to my face, if that gives you any indication of how my night went
One of my tenants at my fourplex that I own gave me a massive bag of severely dank pot and a brick of cocaine because she didn't have the cash to pay the rent. She might just be my favorite tenant!
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