weak ass sauce last night. waste of time. you suck. ps. your boobs are fake
Had sex with the ex last night. Regretting to begin in 5, 4, 3, 2, 1... WHYYYYYYYYYY!
Locked out of the apartment with just a box of wine way to begin the weekend.
There comes a time in a man's life when he's almost thirty he just needs to stop watching Degrassi. This is that time.
Woke up with a full plate of KFC next to my face. I didn't really question it.
I saw you sitting on top of my car trying to row back home... Did you make it?
I lost track of him after he threw the handful of pennies at the 2 female cops and ran into the darkness. I heard a tazer and a scream. All that is left is his flip flop. Its like hes drunken man-derella.
...Just between you and me I just did Olympic grade ribbon dancing with toilet paper in the bar bathroom.
Found a fruit roll up in my pocket this morning. This means my daughter has a peach blunt wrap in her lunchbox.
I got blood in my smoothie but it still tastes ok. Fuck glenfiddich.
am i new drunk or am i still drunk
just in the smoking shack with my sister cheering on a caterpillar make its cocoon
I walked into her room to find her sitting on the end of her bed with her heads in her hands talking to herself. She kept muttering things like "What? How? No. What? I don't --- How?" $10 says she's pregnant.
I'll see to your $10 and raise you $40.
I asked my mom if she could pick up something for me to drink since we ran out of orange juice and she goes "We have beer, champagne, and baileys. Drink one of those."
We're getting a bucket of chicken and screwing around, so no, you can't join us.
Randomize
