I want to take things slow emotionally, but fast physically
Woke up with feathers in my hair. at work. still drunk. sooo awkward.
That Joe Wilson reference just earned you a blow job, Mister!
the can pyramid on my head actually reached a decent height before I moved.
I woke up and there is a food processor in my purse. Someone else's framed family photo. My front door is wide open and my gerbil is playing in the water bong.
Yeah I'm going to bathe him.
Attempting to teach the cat how to shake. I need a job.
Here's the level of my committment: I'm not participating in the Olympic opening ceremonies drinking game. THIS IS SERIOUS.
I screamed so bad because I thought he was going for my sandwich forgetting it was in my hand
Just fucked a MILF from Alaska. I love traveling.
Tequila Tuesdays need to not carry on throughout the week. Having a sad Saturday
How the fuck does a person bruise an armpit? I swear to god, I get the lamest drunk injuries.
That's when I realized I was probably naked in the wrong bed
I just brought her a lipstick taser. So just remember that the next time you get smart with her
I had to replace her wine with red vitamin water. So if she’s alive, you can thank me
when i woke up w mysterious sticky crap in my hair, i assumed i had another blackout hookup. nope. turns out i made PBJ and proceeded to pass out in it. i ate the evidence when i woke up.
Randomize
