I just tried to pick my 105-lb puppy up and accidentally fingered its asshole
There are some things we keep to ourselves Brian
I plan on putting pajamas back on after I shower. Today is going to be awesome.
and he says: but we did find out that your ovaries have never released eggs. first thing out of my mouth: so i didnt really need to take the morning after pill so many times in college?
not the response he usually gets im sure.
I'm like a wolly mammoth down there. what do I tell him?
Afterwards she kept poking it and saying "it looks so sad and small" I dont know if I wanted to reach this state in our relationship...
Just puked in the monkey exhibit at the zoo. They ate it. I don't want a pet monkey anymore.
They're like penises that have been put in a blender.
What's the most polite way to ask if you puked in my vase?
you go from almost hooking up with the hottest guy at the party, to going home with your ex....how is that even mathematically possible
Wow thanks 4 throwing jello at me an yelling who invited that guy to all the guys at the bar
Apparently, I showed up wrapped in caution tape and immediately jumped on the stripper pole and started making very sexual gestures at the birthday girl. We lasted ten minutes.
I asked her to make me water, which in turn meant get me a glass. She handed me a cup of microwaved ice cubes.
They figured our he was high when he told the manager he wanted a break to go wrap his dick in toliet paper and pretend it was a ghost.
When I said I wanted you to make noise during sex, I didn't mean mocking ones.
High school drama coach is wasted and wanted me to tell you that I’m good at flip cup and you should be very proud of me
Where the hell are you
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