Its where this guy sticks a jar up his ass. Be prepared to be suspended between vomiting and cheering.
I hope you fall in a pool of honey in an immensely populated region of bears.
I'm playing wingman, but I want to pull a Goose and die.
there's unknown territories my dick was not made to discover
I would makeout with my roommate, but im not drunk enough and she doesnt like bacon fat
If anyone could figure out how to pee on someone's soul, it would be you.
You always know what to say to make me feel better.
If you take a couple more shots you won't even know he's a mormon that drives a mini van.
There was another blizzard last night and at one point I was drinking 3 beers at once. Driving home didn't seem like a wise option
I just made a flawless coverstory for why I dont have my car and why I left the party on foot. #adultererskills
Just discovered evidence of drunken eBay bid. Drunk Mike did pretty good -- I'm getting a new sleeping bag.
Sorry you felt insulted last night let me rub your butt in remorse
WINE AND FILM. TALK ABOUT AN UPGRADE FROM NETFLIX AND CHILL.
You know darned well I have a well-documented weakness for redheads, Subway and hand-drawn graphic novels.
I'm sorry for what I said when I was orgasming
i've hit rock bottom. Eating pringles and playing taylor swift on guitar in my underwear at 11am on a wedensday morning. Sober.
Randomize
