its good she wears the same dress to all the weddings so we can track how fat she's really gotten
so glad i banged her when she was skinny
TBS has betrayed me by telling me tyler perry is funny
he changed my name in his contacts to "rick", so his mom wouldn't know he was texting me
Every time she shows up on my newsfeed, I get the taste of tequila in my mouth.
I might lose an organ but I've got booze. I'll be fine.
Lemme guess, I was the one completely shit faced making out with the 50 year old...
LOL, wrong number bro. Good luck trying to figure out what happened though..
Why is there a keg in our kitchen? I'm not complaining but why is there a keg in our kitchen?
the bruise you left on my ass looks like africa. the other just looks like a hand.
Drunkenly bought a $240 realtor course last night. Apparently even drunk me thinks my future is going nowhere
BGSU move in weekend. Just passed a house w a beer pong table set up, ppl already playing, girls holding signs that say "son drop off". It's 10:30 am.
Waiting to interview and found a beer in my purse from last night
But yeah, that is officially the new "I just came" picture
Technically, I traded a soft pretzel for sex last night...
But if you do poop yourself let me know. I want that as a tagline. "So funny she'll make you shit yourself."
He's a downgrade and it was quick. But it was dick nonetheless.
Randomize
