I can feel you judging me through the phone.
my mom walked in on me smoking weed alone, listening to the eagles, and just staring at the river. she totally knew.
I was drunk at peters. now im drunk at my apartment. and hungry. but mcdonalds is broken. wtf
there are 2 things i love giving: blowjobs & backrubs. how can i tell them that without sounding like a slut
how are pickles made is in the google history again... why do you always wonder that, and forget the answer?
He booked us a hotel at a resort in cancun for sprng break... I just wanted to get laid this weekend when i was blackout i didnt know it was gonna spiral into a mess of events like a 5 month in advance commitment
I swear, if he gets me a bowling ball for Christmas, I will throw it at him.
You can't find true love with Budweiser and a futon
before the moonshine you were already braiding the bouncers beard -_-
I'm running on 2 hours of sleep. Just spent 6 minutes staring at the back of my hand thinking: "I don't really know this that well"
Next time a party gets busted lets get a group photo first.
I wish I knew the extent of my injuries before I climbed over the fence. Might have avoided the need to purchase a cupholder for my wheelchair.
Hydrocodon makes you feel like a fairy made out of pudding
i just hope we're both dead or in prison at the same time
Turns out I made out with a woman dressed as a unicorn here 10 years ago
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