DAMN! I hate it when i drunkenly erase all my "sent message" and wake up in the morning and my inbox is full of "WTF?" and "Huh?" messages.
my lips still taste like vagina
so you liked breakfast?
ehh, still wish we woulda went to IHOP instead
we were watching porn and trying to copy the position they were doing now i think my hip is dislocated
hey just checking if u still hate me for sleeping with your sister?
why is there a handicap sign in the bathtub and an exit sign in the kitchen?
lets deal with that after we figure out where i am
I just discovered cum stains from two different guys on my wall. I don't know whether to be proud or horrified.
in respone to your voicemail you left me on saturday, yes i had gone to bed and no i was not still drinking at 5am
No more fucking baseball tools. Walk-of-shamed home in only a pinstriped jersey and a Red Sox SnapBack.
Even completely stoned shes amazing on the piano. There are like 7 people sitting on the ground listening to her like she's the messiah.
I don't care if he got kidnapped by a cult one time he is a dick
Reunion weekend was a success. Had 3 ex's inside my vag. Hat trick!
So hungover. I dropped my keys and leaning over seemed a terrible idea. Instead I took my shoe off in the middle of the street and use my toes to pick them up. Think I'm a genius.
Sex with you deserves a trophy and a day of remembrance in honor of it.
I am one with the molecules
Mass text: dear whatever jerk off who thinks they stole drugs from me. It was birth control. Go fuck yourself. And pray that I don't get pregnant.
Who puts their birth control in a bottle with a smiley face?!
Oh fuck wait
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