i just turned barefoot contessa into a drinking game. everytime she uses a knife butter or salt i drink.
So I've decided that when I turn 50 and have to have a colonoscopy I'm going to leave a surprise for the doctor to find.
I hate myself for knowing the words to party in the USA.
Wow, Pearl Harbor and The Notebook are on. Its like the Im going to kill myself marathon.
pop tarts are not kleenex
you were having sex in the bathroom so i pee'd in your bong water...
Legit I think I might have gotten hepatitis C from licking the window of that last cab.
i have this gut feeling friday is going to be interesting.\nAnd by interesting I mean I feel like im going to get punched in the face by his girlfriend.
You told me you aren't worried about the police that you've been training for this an that the last three months of your life have been devoted to building up your stun gun tolerance and pepper spray recovery time.
Prerry sure I narrowly avoided being tazed by a swat cop last night... But on the up side, we found my purse.
She tried to subtly measure me, but I noticed. She told me I barely made the cut otherwise there would have been just a handshake as a parting gift.
Yeah, the email that I was sending to get an Escort for the weekend, copied and pasted to my boss, that should be interesting conversation, when I come back from Christmas vacation break.
I need to immerse myself in a tub of peroxide to kill whatever traces of him are on me.
HIGH AS FUCK. JUST WATCHED THE TRIPPIEST VIDEO EVER. IM NOT SCARED OF PANDAS. I GOTTA GO. TRIPPIN AGAIN
I would like you to know, a bag of cheese cubes just attacked me at work.
Randomize
