I think hes settled down now. He's just licking the walls and the windows.
i caught the condom in my mouth.. dont ask me how
You need to get here now. Before they realize I'm not puerto rican.
He thought the strainer was a giant bowl to puke in.
Okay. Did anyone see me spend $1600 at the strip club last night? Or is this someone else's receipt in my pocket?
You were yelling at the bowl of salad and telling it to quit taunting you and telling you to go to tacobell
She didn't talk for 45 minutes. We finally convinced her to open her mouth. There was a flower in there.
Come back. She's looking through naked pics of his exes on his phone and questioning him about them and I'm too drunk to walk away.
We bought only tequila and Twister. And you're STILL surprised you got pregnant?
the fact that I always have. bottle of tequila in my purse is not helping my current sitch
I was like sure, i'll have a drink or two to end the night early. Next thing i know theres a ton of dudes in my house and like 3 gallons of wine. I cant do anything in moderation.
What the hell do you do when your fuck buddy leaves to go for a piss naked and 20 minutes later hasn't come back and can't be found anywhere in the house or outside but has left his phone, tee shirt and shoes in your bedroom.
I don't think there is a pre defined social etiquette for a lost naked fuck buddy now roaming the streets.
I just told the bartender to “give me something that will murder me”
All of a sudden he got that look on his face and ran to the dance floor and started fist pumping to Rihanna that kind of night
The covid immunization shot lady also sold me a mondo bag of really good pot.
Randomize
