Do you think when graham bell invented the phone he ever thought that people would be using them to facebook on the shitter?
grad school is all the worst parts of undergrad, without the binge drinking and bad decisions to make up for it
do you know how scary it is to wake up in a CATSCAN machine after a night of drinking?
You were dancing on the bar and fell off into the arms of the hot bartender. It was like a fairy tale, with more alcohol.
you handed the cop a condom last night and said "it's all about protect and serve right?"
so the party was at my house but some how i ended up being the only one who slept outside
There is a guy, stoned out of his mind, only wearing slippers and a bathrobe in the library.
Apparently I was so drunk I threw my entire wallet at the stripper on stage. That was the third time I should've gotten kicked out.
Someone downtown drunkenly stole the antenna off of her car... while she was driving.
If I have to strap one on and give it to you good, you will not die revirginated. That's friendship.
bartering with my concussed boyfriend to eat food with blowjobs
I've had to do a couple req orders today and I would like to submit to you an order form to requisition DAT ASS
my mom said i came home and fell asleep on the floor. like right in front of her.
I had to switch to male Siri because I could feel female Siri voice judging me for reading my sexts out loud. Also, the dude voice keeps me in the mood.
I had fresh baked oatmeal cookies, tacos AND was on deck to give a stellar blow job. You'd think that'd be a win/win/win situation.
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