You told me alcohol would be the death of you then ordered 10 shots of tequila.
Not cool at all. Last night I organized my condoms by expiration date. I need to get laid.
..But I'm still alive. And thats the main thing
Pretty sure God shed a tear when I put 15 singles in the collection plate.
An outback commercial just played and I remembered that guy from Australia Imade out with at the Derby. Great Bachelorette Party, btw.
its kind of scaring me that i am turned on by tom cruise in rock of ages
Just googled "penis wearing a hat" i think it's safe to say nobody found my ex's lost phone...
God I hope the gutter I die in is nice. You know, for a gutter.
The light burnt out and he thinks the power is out in the whole house. He is cooking a hog dog over two candles. I'm gonna see if he'll make me one
Definitely! I will do that this week. Right now, watching drag queens play with my dad's beard.
Speaking of boners I learned how to say " jizz everywhere" in sign language
It's all fun and games until you rupture a testicle
Did I try to sell your body for chicken tenders last night?
Dude. I keep thinking about how I let a man gum my vagina.
I am so dumb. I made a mistake and let him get away.
Don't worry, there are other penises in the sea.
Thanks, mom.
Randomize
