Dude someone changed all the contacts in my phone to I Like Eggs
I think a homeless person took a bath in my mouth while I was sleeping :(
So we stole all of the newspapers out of the stands within a 1 mile radius and filled up her car with crumpled newspaper.
Who leaves their car unlocked at night?
Someone who wants to read the newspaper.
I feel like now would be a good time to apologize for vomiting in your eye
I bought this skirt with every intention to have it wrapped around my tits by the end of the night. So, I'm not a whore. I'm a self-fulfilling prophecy.
i'm gonna start fucking more girls with asthma. help feed my ego.
I'm trying not to drink. I may fall down if I move. This is bad. I had everclear before the bar. Oh no. Oh no. Breathe. Breathe. Breathe.
Just heard the words 'Pussy Riot' on NPR...I almost crashed my car.
I've officially done it all, fucked a girl wearing a twister board. ABC parties are amazing!
I would have been very attracted to her had she not been reading me my Miranda Rights
He was saying things like "cum for me like a good girl" and "put my entire python I like to call a dick in your mouth" .. Okay I might have changed that one a bit
The saddest thing about graduating is that we won't have free access to STI screening anymore
I think I'm gonna cut my hair just so I stop waking up with semen in it
I just got a robo call from the Addiction Help Line. Not sure how to take that.
Dude I left his house at 5:30 a.m. after you peed on his front door and then tried to fight me for my blanket. Don't even do that at my house or I will end you.
hahahahaha. Worst. Text. Ever.
Randomize
