so the guy behind me in court for my DUI hearing got a DUI on a lawnmower at 1AM...he is my new hero
just won the tropical speedo for $11. i didn't know they sold pussy magnets that cheap
So baked. Thought the twigs on the sidewalk were caterpillars with the ability to harden in self defense. Had to pick one up to be sure.
just used a blowie as payment for him having to take the dog out to let her poop.
I like to think that tonight was Jesus punishing James Cameron for his role in popularizing "My Heart Will Go On."
Hes still not moving. At what point does 'hungover' become 'hospital-time?'
I blacked out before two in the afternoon yesterday. Now that's a successful birthday.
i just shaved my vag. i figure it gave me about ten more minutes to drink tomorrow.
before we left she put a post-it on the floor next to the toilet saying she was a pretty pretty princess
When my parents ask if I met any nice guys in California, I'm going to answer, "No, but I have gone home with alot of nice girls". Too much, too soon?
Got too starbucks. 3out of the 4 girls working i have ducked and haven't ever called. My coffee has dick written on it. It may contain spit by pumpkin lattes are only once a year
it was like teleporting. everytime i opened my eyes, i was somewhere different... usually the floor.
I climaxed at the same time the bass dropped. I think it's safe to say I've reached enlightenment
His phone started ringing when we were pulled over and he said 'hold on, this is most likely more important than you', proceeded to answer it and agree to work sunday, then hung up, looked at the cop and told him to continue.
I wish u could call a dildo. Like you do a missing cell phone.
Randomize
