Sometimes I think my vagina thinks its a penis.
Its like common courtesy of dating, the guy pays for the weed, just like dinner
I had sex with billy mayes last night. HE KEPT IN CHARACTER THE WHOLE TIME.
he just kept saying "come on iron man, you can do this!" to himself the whole time..
Yeah you fell over while you were peeing and you said "hold I'm, I'm still peeing"
Also, at 1:30 I emailed myself saying, "are you there Margaret? It's me, god"
It's raining. Will need ride home and blow job.
As I fucked him you stood outside my door screaming, "I'M NOT JUDGING YOU!" over and over.
I was judging you.
I think animal control just caught me smoking a bowl on the back porch. Do they have any say in this matter?? Haha
Grandma is giving me marriage advice again. On the plus side, she thinks I'm straight now.
Figured out how I got so much alcohol in my hair: tried to drink my drink using my cleavage as a cup holder. Missed my drink hole and got it all in my hair
I'm literally taking a shit naked holding a bottle of wine.
Someone put a huge skyy vodka bottle in our washing machine. My roommate didn't see it and ran it. The washing machine split in two. #life
I can't believe you're forcing me to handle this hangover sober
Tequilla is a sneaky bitch ninja that doesn't kick in until you least expect it. Then BAM! You're peeing in unconventional places.
Randomize
