with your own penis?
either fucking kiss her or kick her ass to the curb. Either way I can hear everything you are saying
i'm gonna need a rally to restore sobriety after this weekend...
knew it was a bad idea. the look she gave me when i left her roommates bedroom in the morning really illustrated that.
Woke up with eyeliner streaked down my face, glitter all over my bed, and holding half-eaten Jimmy Johns. Plus, my whole family's downstairs for Thanksgiving... Welcome to the shitshow that is my early 20s
Went outside and he was playing rock paper scissors with a cop over a drunk in public ticket.
we didnt plan anything. just randomly met up in the park, both reached into our pockets and each lit up a joint without exchanging words. we're telepathic potheads.
So dude comes out in a full body leotard and a wand and announced he's king of the gays. Chicago is a weird but fun place
Thank you for deleting me from Instagram. Also, I'm carrying your child. Happy new year!
So I was putting on a condom and looked to my right to not make eye contact, she said did you just look at the American flag while putting that on. I said this one's for Team USA.
I think one of your friend's offered my friend chicken tenders back at his place...just FYI he should probably come up w/ another line
I swear to the sweet baby jesus I didn't fill your freezer with salsa and my little pony toys, but I didn't stop them either.
Stay strong! Remember we're too uncoordinated to be strippers to make money instead of being a nurse
getting my period the day i moved was my bodies way of saying 'congratulations youre not leaving town with anybodies babies!'
because nothing says “let’s fucking rage” like getting a compensation letter and some company stock
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