In honor of tonight, my penis will make an appearance
Tell me I did not drive one hour for whiskey dick.
Yeah we had sex for the first time last night and all the text he sent me afterwards said was “heh”
just woke up in the beanbag bin at walmart
Just drove past a church with a sign near it that said, "God wants to be your daddy."
you came home soaking wet, and when I asked where your umbrella was, you pulled it out of your bag and were so proud you kept it dry.
I'm now at that point where it just feels natural to do a few shots of whisky with breakfast and then head to work
Woke up this morning in a randoms bed clutching an airplane ticket. God I hope I'm still in the country
Seriously? What part of meeting at Oktoberfest while I'm wearing a dirndl, double fisting, and making out with random guys screams "i'm girlfriend material"?!
i think my love is proven by the fact that i still want to have sex with you after this conversation
Fantastic. I'm pretty cold, tired, dirty, and hungry, but that comes with an adventurous weekend. Who needs a wallet or keys anyway? I could totally be homeless.
The bartender just legitimately thanked me for breaking the cycle of speed metal by playing mmmbop.
i don't think that has ever happened before in the history of man
I yelled out look at all those hickeys. And then gave her boyfriend a high five
Well I just found the most comfortable way to pass out on my toilet if I ever have to.
Its a good thing to know for upcoming events.
I made a powerpoint to trip to.
you are so studious.
Randomize
