I was sitting behind this girl in class and she logged out of her facebook, hacked into her boyfriends, and then proceeded to check his inbox. This is why I'm single.
You'll be happy to know that I did indeed fracture my rib in a sex related injury
You do realize that we got a stripper to do the YMCA for us on the main stage... Right?
Remember when I referred to my box of wine as my briefcase and made all of those stupid jokes about working overtime? Thanks for ignoring my cry for help.
it was good sex until i became a rubber doll and he became a jack hammer, so i guess overall it was good
This costume is too restrictive. The priest and I cannot get it on while I am wearing it.
New York City is dangerous when the only bars you go to are the ones that have 'open' in front
I asked my boss to leave early for a booty call. She said yes. See.... everyone sees it's important I get laid.
After we won I just ran all over campus for a couple hours. Then made out with a guy on a bench
Just thought of the perfect gift for mom.... how about not telling her about my fourth open intoxicant ticket I got last night?
You told him about your cats? I told his friend to put his dick in my mouth, and you talked about cats!?
why is there a wheelchair in the hall and why does it look like we banged in it?
Not entirely sure how I got drunk off 2 mimosas but here I am
Woke up with a grilled cheese in my hand, it was like god giving me a high five for the night before
she was all excited about us being eskimo sisters and then i was just like "alyssa i've literally been inside of you" and she got even more excited
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