Just found out the guy that gave me herpes died. now everytime I get a flare up, it'll be like he's coming back to say hello
She went dumpster diving. Found flourescent light bulbs, carpet samples and $15. We got a bottle of Popov, played star wars and threatened random people with the carpet. Get on our level.
I've woken up in some weird places in my lifetime, but never in a tent in my own garage.
I told him we couldn't hang out because I had strep, he said he's had it once so he couldn't get it again. The sex isn't worth this level of stupidity
I asked her to make me water, which in turn meant get me a glass. She handed me a cup of microwaved ice cubes.
ok is that genuinely the first four bars of mozart's symphony #40 sharpied onto my arm or
She's wearing her dead grandmother's pearl on the married finger so no guys "bother her" tonight... I am not THAT committed to Girl's Night.
Hurry there's four guys dressed up as a bachelorette party, one has a condom veil and the rest are selling candy bouquets and asking if anyone wants to get laid for $5
I just ate beer and cupcakes for breakfast.... maybe this fourth of july won't be so bad
I know of an excellent nanny. A lot like Mary Poppins but way cooler. And likes pot.
Had weird bad dreams about you last night. Please tell me you didn't google my real surname and that you don't go to a needle exchange.
I fully support your bad decision but I do not approve of your unironic use of the word yolo
Same encounter she body slammed me to the floor and than humped me
Do you not realize that being Batman fulfills about 95% of my non-sexual fantasies?
just saw a kid waiting at the door of the stairs for the elevator. there is no elevator in this building. get on his level.
Randomize
