He only uses me for sexual pleasure. The sad part is I don't even feel like a slut. I just I feel like I should just live in the top drawer of his nightstand....for free of course.
I told my rommate that he was pissing on his bed. He said "ok man" and took a step backwards and continued. He then went back to bed.
He threw up over the balcony and blamed it on an invisible garden gnome.
i rewarded my self with tacobell for not throwing up on any one. MISTAKE
He talks to me in this sweet I know you might be pregnant voice.
i dont care how hungover you are, go back to the frat house and get him. HE IS 11.
Tonight that bitch will not be with him. You will drunkingly talk him out of this wedding. It is your duty as the one with the least amount of soul. Good luck.
Yeah I should probably start planning our first conversation instead of our first child.
I'm starting to think my role in the world is to inject batshit crazy, mentally unbalanced chicks with a dose of normal sperm.
He ended our Skype call with, "I'm going to poop and then go play my ukulele in the park."
I'm six Popsicles away from an existential breakdown.
I haven't showered. And am sitting in the office smelling like a beer can someone's been using as an ash tray.
How did they ever let a trainwreck like myself run a bar?!
I got copblocked.
What?
Cockblocked. By a cop. Copblocked.
We left Waffle House and he took off running five miles down the road saying we were "training for the Olympics." And I mean, I couldn't leave him out there like that...
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