Then I received a text in French, that roughly translated to "all you'll ever be good for is sex on the Internet"
And then he used the flashlight app to illuminate me giving him head. Thanks IPhone
My therapist told me it was ok for me to "take risks" now. Cue the hookers and blow.
She called all of my friends to find out where I was last night. 7 out of ten said their place.
My booty call just put me down for a reference for her job at the hospital. What am I supposed to say? She gives great bj's?
I told her that I was going up to my room to lay in front of a fan without pants on, watching Avengers and she still wanted to get with me. I have to marry her.
He lasted about 30 seconds then said you can't win them all. But then he made me pancakes so it's okay. We shall call him mancakes.
I invited you and you fucked me in the face with the penis of disappointment and shit.
Also I just had a flash back ... He told me I have nice nipples and then asked me about yours..
I tried to take home a cat on broadway last night. I named him Pinocchio and put my purse down on the sidewalk and tried to put it inside it
i have to vacuum my washing machine now, asshole
No one wanted to hang out so vodka and I are hanging out
Goddamn right, I may not survive the apocalypse, but my eyebrows fucking will.
You know youre getting old when you I.D. the person trying to take you home to be sure they're over 25. Help me.
If it makes you feel better he's in the stall next to me and I'm taking a diabolical shit. He's complaining
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