You can only be slapped by Eastern European waitresses so many times. I guess they don't want my huge cock in their iron curtain
Nah, lets use your guy, my drug dealer is going all pineapple express on me
Ha Ha the cop that just pulled me over would like me to tell you hi!
My #1 goal this summer is to get drunk at olive garden
Oh my god it's like Minesweeper. I can tell there's sex in three of the four rooms, but which one is the safe one?
I feel like I'm a marionette being lifted around. Four Loko.
Btw...I puked in my hand last night and threw it on the floor. Don't let me do tequila ever again.
To the person who put the glitter on my ceiling fan...fuck you
Sleeping in a car was not on my list of plans for the night.
When we were texting for those few weeks, I some how established a crush on you. And its weird and wild and stupid and silly. But these things just have to be said sometimes to determine what's real and what is infatuation. And to suffer the consequences of five am drunk philosophy. No regrets.
How do you initiate sexting are u supposed to be like yo I'm peeing and eating a clif bar and texting and thinking about you naked all at the same time
I have got to move on from this "sleeping with every drug dealer I meet" phase.
maybe i should limp back to therapy...
oh yeah will you also bring home vodka i wanna do shots on the roof
You put a bag of sliced onions in the microwave then screamed, "voila, onion rings!"
Which one have i been cheating ON and which one have i been cheating WITH if i met them the same night & have been dividing time equally?
Randomize
