we're blogging at a bar
I realized as I was wesiging my engamemby ring that you'd never love me tha same. I have life plans and Sam showed them to me
What? You're not speaking real words.
you googled " I want to buy a live ostrich". I'd say you were pretty wasted.
Fact: Telling a guy he has erectile dysfunction doesn't solve the problem.
You just kept insisting that you and the homeless man went way back, and that you bonded over how cold you both were.
She is just riding on my slutty coat tails.
How can I explain how nice he is to you? ...like, I'm going to have to have my world famous why being a douche is sexy talk.
"Every minute you spend hanging out with David is a minute you could spend meeting someone new, who isn't a huge douche" - Buddha
I'm in a waiting room at the hospital - and there's a dude here who is WAY too proud of his urine sample.
My kids are NEVER playing in the park more than 2 feet away from me until they are capable of punching an eagle.
Yes I peed all over myself and lost both my credit cards, who wants to know?
i'm gonna friendzone myself so you dont have to
First post college job and I got fired within a week. Something tells me that adulthood isn't going to be as much fun as sex and the city led me to believe.
The air I exhale reeks of whiskey and bad decisions
How many weight watcher activity points do you think sex is worth?
Randomize
