I was high as a kite when I got pulled over by a cop and he asked me for my ID and if I had been smoking weed, I said no and gave him my debit card.
batman just walked across the sidewalk
lay off the drugs
no for real he was wearing a cape
You know your in college when you decide house chores with games of beer pong...
I just introduced him to multiple male orgasms. I love wine AND tequila
please don't text me until you can spell three letter words again.
All I can remember is posting my chicken burger in the post box. Postman is in for a treat.
I can't remember much from that party after we snapchatted my dancing boobs to all of her contacts
That happens a lot to the people around me. It's like I'm radioactive but instead of cancer, you get desensitized to the word cunt
No other awkward car ride can beat the one you give your drug dealer home.
Is it possible to be sexually attracted to someone's hair?
I may have unintentionally punched your cat twice but he's an asshole anyway.
I'm scrolling through our convo thread and all we talk about is pizza, alcohol & dick with the occasional "I miss you" thrown in.
Overall a good night - broke my toe giving that cop a blowjob though...so there's that...
I'm trying to watch Chicago PD and tell you I like your dick at the same time. It's a lot of work, ok?
Theres just something about today that says lets get drunk, dont you think?
Randomize
