he spent the whole night trying to convince me into a2m. i won't even use the pb til i clean the jelly knife. i love him but it's not going to happen.
I was just told by a cop that my party was the most epic party they ever crashed
no, i'm not a lesbian.. i just really want to fuck you while drinking, thats normal in a friendship.
so the plumber came, he found condoms, feathers and glitter in the pipes.
I'm in the grocery store cradling a box of wine like it's my firstborn, so of course this would be the first and only time I've ever seen my boss outside of the office.
I take your lack of response to mean that your hands are taped to 40 ounces of something.
Left my card at the bar and had a drunk girl climb on the hood of my running car to scream at me.
Seriously, I'm ready to settle for ugly and unemployed as long as he has decent hygene and likes to go down.
being pregnant is like rehab
All i really wanna do tonight is get drunk with you and dance on tables. is that too much to ask?
I'm hoping they send me home from work drunk.
She had YOLO tattooed on her ass. Like, one cheek said YO, the other said LO. Even I can't handle that level of hot mess.
Worse than that. I caught my roommate jerking off to a topless stripper in gta 5.
Just woke up to find that I'd left a stove burner on for the past 6 hours or so. I'm now banned from Ambien cooking.
So apparently it wasn't anything really bad, it's hemorrhoids. Which is the medical word for butthurt. I actually have ass ointment.
Randomize
