From behind she looks like Richard Simmons
He's gotten way too comfortable around me. He came into the bathroom and took a shit while I was in the shower.
but the lizard people decide everything anyway
i was so drunk that i ate a carrot out of her guiena pig's cage and thought it was normal
woke up this morning with a pool of champagne in my purse. apparently i was saving it for later.
Just received a visit from the Ghost of Bad Decisions Past. Kind of weird 90% of the flashbacks happened in the same sixteen month span, the rest happened at Taco Bell.
I woke up with no pants, someone elses shirt, but my new years crown still on. That is dedication.
How many strippers in the world do you think have had a debate with someone about the NRA?
Actually it's really just going to be me drunk in your living room swinging from a pole on a tuesday morning.
I'm remembering the time we thought it was a brilliant idea to put koolaid powder in shots of goldschlager
That was right around the time that the drunken mess pulled out his dick in front of myself and like 10 other people and started peeing all over the train platform while saying, "Sometimes a bear gets you brother. Sometimes a bear gets you."
Pretty standard Thursday night commute for you, no?
It will be the shitshow of all shitshows.
It's almost sad. It's like the Harambe of vagina stories really.
Would the comment "Down Goes Frasier" be too inappropriate at this time?
ARE YOU FUCKING KIDDING ME! I SAID I WANTED SOMEONE CLASSY AND INSTEAD YOU SET ME UP WITH A GUY THAT JUST TOLD ME HIS FAVORITE PLACE TO FUCK IS ON HIS SWAMPBOAT “THE SLAMHOG!”
I DON’T WANT TO FUCK IN A SWAMP
First of all, his AIR boat is named “Slam Hog” not “The Slamhog.” Second, it’s top of the line. Third, don’t dismiss swamp sex before you try it!
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