I think we should involve a squid next time we fuck.
u kno there is a reason i dont tell mi friends about u
That weatherman I hooked up with is on TV again
Ignoring the crisis im in. Sitting in the front yard in a kiddie pool. Wearing arm floaties, fins and a snorkel. Waiting for a hot guy to walk by.
onest when I told you I'm a paramedic but I'm also a stripper.
I think I'm too tall to 69 successfully.
I think I might cry.
I'm surprised, it's been so long you must be starving
At a certain point, the zombie-like hunger goes away. Then the sadness sets in. Then you start lying to yourself that you're taking some "me time." Then you remember you dodged chlamydia and Buddha knows what else. Then you're at peace with it.
I know we said we never would. But try fucking a fat guy. He put in so much more effort and then made me waffles.
I can control the tv with my phone while pooping on the second floor. I thought you should know for future reference
Just accidentally flashed my junk to the lady helping me try on suits, it was cold in there, I don't think she was impressed.
She kissed me, then said "mmm your face tastes like it needs my pussy on it."
so at 3am I stumbled into my parents house and crawled into bed with them, I need to start dating.
Found a trail of Taco Bell hot sauce packets through the garage to our back door and cheese in my bra. I'll say it was a successful Sunday Funday.
Getting food poisoning after eating at work was the cherry on top of my "Welcome back to real life" sundae.
I WANNA SUCK HIS DICK ON A BOAT
Your slutty phase was the highlight of my year.
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