Todays lesson: Chew your food better when your drunk. I almost choked throwing up this morning.
I want to drop kick Stephanie Meyer
you spelled her name wrong
not you too!!
Tonight we are playing Scuba-Keg. Getting keg now. I'll explain when i get home.
Well on a lighter note, guess who just threw up in the elevator
You insisted I take photos of you vomiting off the top of the tree.
Im also drinking whiskey while on a treadmill wearing high heels so let's consider that for a moment.
Oh my god, I am the best RA ever. I'm teaching my freshman girls how to deep throat on bananas as a group bonding activity. I'm making the religious ones eat them for potassium.
Note to self... Do not stick your head in a can of paint and try to paint the walls green with your hair
PS: when I ask you if I look fat in a a dress DO NOT TAKE YOUR SWEET ASS GAY TIME to formulate an answer only to tell me in front of our family that perhaps I should buy Spanx. Do you WANT me to tell mom and dad you suck cock? Then be a good brother and have the common decency to LIEEEEEE!!!!
A little boy in a bathroom stall just shouted "mom where's your penis?? Is it inside you?"
SO EXCITED ABOUT STRING CHEESE RIGHT NOW
Wound up hungover. Visiting 4 y/o nephew suggested cookies and milk and playing Kirby with him with the sound down. This kid is going places.
we've talked on the toilet we're linked now
I'm going to blow a ton of money on sex toys just so I can tell you to do better than them.
reminiscing on last night: why the fuck did I feel the need to stand on chairs everytime we took a jello shot?
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