Banned from zoo.
Again?
There is something about weddings and lines being done off my ass
the man who designed bathrooms to have toilets within easy puking distance from the shower is my hero
Chasing bourbon with pepto... Dedication.
Saturday dinner is funfetti cake and merlot. Singlehood has come to this.
Well I just walked into a wedding reception and im currently eating a cannoli in the men's room while pissing
Hey man, I found your crocs and your visor in the road. Got em for you.
Hooked up with a guy solely because he had a chameleon. Priorities.
That feels better than graduating college or that time I tried to ride a llama. Did you know they really spit?
This is home. And home is where you find your family. And you try not to make out with your family.
Someone just walked into the bar with a pillow
I don't know whether to judge him or give him a high five
For the sake of my mom, I can't sleep with two guys with the same name. She has a hard enough time keeping up as it is
i swear to god it was like we were fucking in 9 dimensions
She made me keep my boots on and say "you're welcome darlin" after every orgasm......so yes it was an awesome night.
i can feel my liver failing just LOOKING at that thing
Randomize
