At a bar where three women in denim shorts are debating techniques and skillsets for wrangling goats. You stay classy Delaware.
you were the first one he came out to and you announced it as the finale while singing karaoke at the bar
Dude feel your hair right now it feels so weird like pasta
all but 2 of were put on probation for disorderly conduct. i know, visiting a hospital when your drunk is really stupid but it seemed like such a good idea at the time
swear to god, "it seemed like a good idea at the time" is gonna be on your epitaph
I found out what happened to my eye. I punched myself in the face.
We need to stop sleeping with people based on which NFL team they like.
There are drunk kids outside our building hugging that cop that's always on his bike as he's citing them for public drunkenness. It's not even 11 am.
Lil wasted at a baby shower. Here's to beating teen pregnancy BOTTOMS UP
What a great world we live in when USPS can tell you that your drugs have been delivered.
Oh, I never thought you were a dick. You were one of the best morally comprised ideas I've ever had.
I have a kicked-out-of-multiple-bars level hangover today
THEY DIDN'T THROW MY PORN AWAY!!!!
It took 5 bourbons for him to handcuff and spank me and then he cried after sex. The men that like me are so unstable.
You know that episode of Spongebob where Patrick teaches Spongebob to be fancy? His dick was like that, only fancier.
So I was having a really bad night...so I decided to steal a pumpkin.
Randomize
