I just tried to pick my 105-lb puppy up and accidentally fingered its asshole
There are some things we keep to ourselves Brian
I texted him about a book we both like. I was expecting a "ya great book... let's bone" response. It didn't work
do you know your status is "goal for vegas: hook up with a girl AND a boy"?
and THATS why i'm not adding my mom on facebook
I like to melt taper candles in my wine bottles the next day, it makes my drinking trophies more classy, and makes me look like less of an alcoholic.
I just found puke in my bra..
why the fuck would he compare you to sexy aquatic creatures?
just got in my apt...and theres jungle juice here i left from over a month ago..this could be interesting...or deadly
I made him a flow chart of what to do if I got arrested.
This is a sacred holiday in the land of the free! I do what I want!
Well when I got home you were sitting at the table eating cold, leftover taco meat. I'd say you were pretty far gone by that time.
I'll be home next weekend. Its mothers day. Let's party just enough so we are frightened it might be our first
I think your dad took our porno
Now we're discussing the sex we had and the later lack thereof. It's like marriage counseling via snapchat.
Just made a drug contact standing in the sandwich line in the dining hall. Is this real life?
You're my fucking hero.
someone found a bottle of whiskey in the bushes this morning when they were cleaning before an admissions event. i'm 95% sure it's mine..
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