Where is the hickey?
don't wear any deodorant. we have to do everything we can to sabotage this wedding
Just got new surround sound speakers for my computer... I feel like I'm actually IN the porn now.
my mom hid the smirnoff from me. this is the most fucked up game of hide and seek EVER
She kept saying "I'm going to hell" the entire time we were fucking. I really wasn't sure what to do... so I agreed with her.
That was definitely the right answer.
You can't just hum the Jaws theme song when you pull down my pants.
You are COMPLAINING that the sex was too good. You're not getting any sympathy from me
why is there a chinchilla in our apartment, and where did it come from?
question nothing. DON'T QUESTION A FREE CHINCHILLA.
Hey, I'm renting a storage locker for the summer to keep all my bondage shit in so my parents don't see it. You wanna split on it for your all your weed shit?
So I just noticed that my last drunk google search before going to bed last night was "ghosts based on gays." I have no idea what that's supposed to mean
The only rule I'm making for myself tonight is to not drink out of the sink at the bar.
Where the fuck are you? I just got punched in the nose by a tourist
You were so drunk last night that you fell thru the bathroom door at the bar, ripping it off the hinges in the process. But, your birthday tiara stayed on thru the whole thing. I'd call it a succcessful evening. Happy birthday kiddo!
Happy 20th birthday! I hope you like anxiety and having your debit card declined at McDonald's!
GOD I WOULD STAB DANNY IN THE EYE WITH HIS OWN PENIS
.........That big, huh?
No. I would cut it off
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