There is still throw up in my sink from before break. God I missed this place
You paid the taxi driver with a comb last night.
I guess birthday shots aren't always the answer
Well im sitting on a futon on a porch at 1:30 in the afternoon drinking boxed wine out of a pint glass next to a chick with a homemade neckbrace. What do you think?
Leaving your birthday party to engage in a threesome IS allowed. I checked the rule book.
He woke up in a dragon costume, covered in bong water. That was a party we will regret missing.
Can I come take down that wallpaper yet? I stopped seeing that dude and I need to occupy my time with something besides getting drunk at bingo night and cussing out old people. Also, i'm not sure on the legal stipulations but I might have, unintentionally, committed grand theft auto at some point.
It's pizza for people who hate themselves. I rang the place up once i'd finished and told them if i was on death row it would be my last meal because by the time i'd got half way through it I would be begging to die.
But then I ordered two more because it was 2-4-1 and my life is a mess
There was this blissful moment of peace and quiet... then you ran past our window with a lit firecracker in hand going, "SHIT. SHIT. SHIT!"
I feel like Jeremy snapchattong while we're fucking is a perfect example of our generation..
Was expecting a sext from Kristi and then my mom randomly sent me a pic of her ugly Xmas sweater. Worst. Buzzkill. Ever.
Rolled over in bed this morning and found Nutella and wet naps. Why can't it ever be a fire fighter, or Jude Law.
Guys are like someone else's baby; i'll play with them but if responsibility is involved i'll hand them off.
i have a strong feeling that today will be a naked day for me...i don't feel like doing shit
I fished a Couples Masturbation DVD out of somebody’s trash and kept it. That’s how desperate I am.
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