YOu come back ASAP and we will do whatever you want baby
I lined up everyone's pillows and I'm playing Evel Knievel when I jerk off later.
My boobs are too big for things to be going this downhill in my life.
If u were an xman, what would ur power be? I would shoot lasers from my boobs.
now you know why we've never bought a 12 pack of king cobras before.
These fall allergies are really hindering my cocaine habit.
Just found cake in my bra, debating if I should eat it
My neighbor caught me peeing on his rose bushes at 2 in the morning while wearing my Santa hat. My sex appeal has never been higher.
The two girls sitting next to me are asking siri "Like, uh, how do you know my name?". Do I fuck with them or fuck them?
U thinks that's bad? He told me that he had to envision high school wrestling in order to bust a nut with some girl
Dude there is a stripper at my door saying she has my birthday present. She knows my name...but it's not my birthday...
God works in mysterious ways my friend.
Now we're discussing the sex we had and the later lack thereof. It's like marriage counseling via snapchat.
We lost a person.... if you see a man in yellow shorts and nothing else walking around let me know...
You were yelling at a tree saying it should be in the forest..
Don't judge me.
I want to ride that like one of the Horsemen of the Apocalypse- with bourbon in hand and without mercy.
Randomize
