I'm at a bar that has girls so awful looking even you would not have sex with them.
Well... I doubt that.
I would kick you in the vagina but I'm afraid I would lose my shoe.
VITAMINS IN VODKA. IM NOT LYING.
some guy just pulled a dress out of a fax machine...I have no idea what the hell is going on
Im only pretending to be his friend so I can sleep with his girlfriend.
The dingo escaped by eating a hole through my screen door. It's loose in the city somewhere.
You should have seen her, she looked like a skinny Jabba The Hutt
That literally makes no sense
Exactly
Ita all starting to make sense i need vodka like i need air
Almost screamed "GO FISH MOTHER FUCKER" at the girl I nanny today. Drunken card games shouldn't bleed into my sober life.
The paramedics said she just kept whispering "I just wanted to party"
He was the only one not on Xanax so he holds the key to what actually happened last night
I just googled: how soon can I pee on a stick. What is my life coming to.
Like I could never be a lawyer because I would just look like a porn star impersonation of a lawyer.
Drank vodka clubs for 6 hours last night. Holy shit just realized that.
I didn't mean that as an expression. I'm literally asking if you want to watch Netflix and do nothing.
Randomize
