Most awkward sex ever...
And im texting you in the middle.
I mean she's dancing like an epileptic patato and i'd like to slap her
Note to self. Champagne flavored lube is neither as tasty nor as classy as one might think.
Did you get your crutches off the street sign?
You just kept walking around saying "my brain is soup" then sat on the kitchen counter washing your feet. You bit the guy that tried to help you down
Yeah I went home with her... She had me take off everything but my shirt and from across the room goes, "Now dance. Just dance that dick over here"
She told me she ate a whole pizza today, and I just wanted to hug her forever.
This morning i put band aids over my nipples bc i was too lazy to put on a bra. Think I've reached a new low.
"Yeah because the first thing I think of when I hear the word college is tear gas."
I told the emergency room nurse I didn't want to stop and ruin the moment. She said safewords are there for a reason. Super condescending. Got her number though.
Turns out it's a fake number.
conclusion from last night: i should wear boob glitter more often
you need a warning label. Just announcing that you are Scottish is seen more as a challenge. Those guys have no idea what they are getting into.
This is why I should’ve just stuck with blow jobs. I’m good at blow jobs. Blow jobs never fail me.
Dude you where on that lil kids bike at 2 am ridin down the turning lane wearing only socks and a helmet singing born to be wild, no you weren't that fucked up
Woke up with a bed full of sand...care to explain?
Isnt is self explanatory?
Randomize
