glad my latex allergy prevents me from being a one-night stand whore
Don't make out with my wife yet
woke up to an overdrawn credit card. did you order the dawsons creek boxset last night?
i hope so.
This is a dangerous game of "whose life is more pathetic".
Did you get drunk last night? You put Christian lyrics as your fb status again.
My horoscope told me I'm getting laid tonight. Please don't make the stars be liars
I got shot at today. If that doesn't get me at least a blow job I give up working on the south side
stop sending me battleship coordinates and get back here so i can suck your dick
I should not be so motivated by a penis, but I am
if i had known the extra weight would have gone to my tits, i would have started drinking years ago
Closed my eyes in the shower and got really dizzy. Not sure if neurological or result of 4 day vodka binge. Send help.
I'm going to bed early so football can come sooner
You left me a message at 3am crying because you just found out there's a Paddington Bear statue in Peru.
Got drunk tryed walking 12miles to zacks house woke up at noon on baseball park
also, i'm not sure if i'm proud to say this but our regional manager's hot fiance was grinding on me at the reception while he stood and watched.
i suppose that explains why he told me he plans on promoting you this Friday.
Randomize
