If you don't answer the phone then I will be forced to leave you a wonderful voicemail of me throwing up
did you ever find your cell phone? and your dignity?
Just spent the last 5 minutes laughing at my epipen. i think i'm too high.
I mean, that's eating your cake and fucking it too.
I am making up for a 7 year dry spell so I get a pass and I don't always care if there is a second date. It is like college but with more money and condoms.
Woke up this morning with an extra $35 and someone else's ATM receipt. How much did I drink last night?
I feel like shit, and I can't get the band aids off my nipples.
Thursday could be nutella day. You could make me a nutella sandwich and then fuck me senseless
I can assure you I didn't go home with a girl, because I woke up on someone's porch
I don't trust a bar IN TENNESSEE that doesn't have Jack Daniels.
I felt like a responsible adult. A responsible adult that may or may not end up shitfaced. But not heaving purple puke into a urinal like last time because I'm classy now.
I just remembered that the guy I slept with last night has "USDA PRIME" tattooed on his ass
The girls said some drunk guy in footie pajamas was asking for me when they opened the doors. I thought we agreed you were gonna stay home and microwave me some bacon.
The coke machine at work is laughing at me. Literally. I just heard laughter from the coke machine
I love you. I would never turn you into a bear.
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