We went to the police station completely hammered looking for you. Don't tell me I'm not a good friend.
After the sixth shot I started to slur my pauses.
Matt just took me to visit my puke stain from 2 weeks ago at the train station...I'm fucking impressive
But I thought everyone had breakup sex?
These fall allergies are really hindering my cocaine habit.
I know. I almost started crying. IN WHAT UNIVERSE IS THAT A TURN ON?!
announcing that you were the mayor of bjtown got their attention.
I just texted him and asked him to keep some in case I need help sealing the deal.
Girl Scout cookies are like roofies for fat chicks.
It's times like this I miss having my nipples pinched
Turns out the guy I peed on gave me a ride back to my dorm this morning.
You are a god.
I'm sitting on the floor singing Bruno mars while they cook and occasionally pet me
I can't wait to get to LA so I can punch her in the face
I was totally going to fuck him and then his friend walked in brushing his teeth, whipped down his pants and started doing the windmill. Ultimate cock block
Drunk version of me is like a sleeping demon inside of me that awakes to the sound of vodka
Grandma keeps pulling a bottle of captain from her pocket and spiking people's drinks.. She just yelled "I'm DAMN HOT to be a grandma!" .. I LOVE HER.
Randomize
