It was 5 a.m. and we found him making margaritas with nyquil...
my mom took me to a gay bar and went on and on about all her good times at clubs... i now know where i get it
Currently cooking 3lbs of bacon in case the power goes out bc if even one slice of bacon goes to waste then sandy wins
I am sufficiently unimpressed with the options available to my freshly shaved self tonight.
I believe I can fly has to be one of the most inspirational songs of our time. Seriously R. Kelly nailed it
Then he went and peed on those teenagers.
I'm going to crush up my last 7 Percocets into a fine powder and toss my popcorn in it.
Fuck I am so excited for the first time I can make someone call me Doctor Nikki during sex after I finish my PhD
You left a motherfucking bruise. ON MY TIT. How? How do you even. No.
Did you catch one of my beer pong balls in your cleavage or was that a dream?
Saw the same Luigi I hooked up with last Halloween. Still in his same Luigi costume and scruff that hurt my face
Dude I should have just gone home with the guy with dreads and the cat
One day we'll be rich enough to go to rehab. Until then, fuck it.
Goddamnit, guys. I got lube all over my kindle.
He lives 20 minutes away driving distance and decided to walk. I talked to him today and he took a nap along the way... In a cemetery.
I just did my taxes to sober up, I'm THAT hungover
Randomize
