I just had a 2 1/2 hr conversation about the pros and cons of taping your ballsack to your taint, which then led into the unveilling of lady gaga being a hermaphrodite.
im shotgunning beers in the kitchen. alone. the cat is judging me.
While looking for an apartment, I've realized that the way I rate balconies is on the "how easy would it be to smoke weed here" scale.
What other scale is there?
Listen. I don't care if its "nontoxic" im not putting it in my fucking vagina.
Hey could you buy me 2 bottles of arbor mist? I'm trying to get laid tonight
Im pretty sure that girl just said "Im taking you home even if your girlfriend has to come too." Why are we here again?
I started scrolling back in our texts looking for context and a picture of your dick rose like the Great Pumpkin in the middle of my screen.
You will never be paid again to get drunk and tell off cops without being arrested. Once in a lifetime opportunity
You're right. Fuck my job. I'm in.
so the kid in line in front of me at walmart just bought roses and a Plan B pill. Happy Valentines Day.
im drinking out of a pineapple, so yea.
I wouldn't marry anyone who wouldn't symbolically fuck a doughnut with a sausage though.
He passed away peacefully doing what he loved to do best. Eating a pound of vodka gummy worms and failing at sex and the city trivia.
Auto correct isn't even working for how drunk you are
I want to create a human. Discussion later.
it's my fake id's birthday. i'm wearing a hat, and i have a beard. i'm untouchable. TO THE BARS!
Randomize
