you know what scares the shit out of me? i have eaten bagel bites since i was a little kid and just in the past five years they started puting "made with real cheese" WHAT THE FUCK WERE THEY USING BEFORE? i mean ive been a bagel biter since the womb
Walk of Shame time yet?
Dude she's 6"2, blonde and on the cheerleading team. I look like Seth Rogen's fatter, unfunny brother. What shame am I supposed to be feeling?
Studying for the exam.. Identifying the portraits using phrases like "large penis"
I introduced him to the male G-Spot. Don't ever tell me I'm not experienced.
He made me a mix cd. There is obviously something wrong with him.
I paid some man $10 for his shirt last night cause I liked it. Explains that. Bought the jackolope head from a street vendor. Got invited to someone's hotel rooftop swimming pool which explains why I was in my bathing suit. My clothes from last night are MIA. Going over the border with no pants on is awkward. Origins of the car rim still mysterious.
she never specifically said NOT to fuck her boyfriend so technically we can still be best friends
Hey had an urgent voicemail from the Illinois national guard....have you been using my identity for your blackout weekend?
Yes and yes
She said my new name was "ranch" because I "looked delicious"
You're the only person I know who would be upset about making out with a girl you like. You're like a drunken Charlie Brown.
Happy 420. I woke up to a girl smoking weed and dragging me out of bed. Chemistry makes so much sense high.
Besides he said his dick was as big as a loaf of bread and that it was broken. So I was like u have half a head of hair and a broken dick that looks like bread. No thanks. Im good.
When my mom found out he was a high school drop out she was like "seriously? Can we raise the bar a little higher next time kels?" So my moms pretty cool
My goal tonight is to be arrested by the Police Women of Cincinnati.
had to remind myself that killing him is not a good career move AGAIN.
Randomize
