I just saw a woman parallel park a horse. Awesome. Only in New York..
Everyone knows that the fastest route to a corporate advancement is to take a shot in the mouth
So then I told him that only a restaurant managed by a florida fan could run out of ketchup
I consider it a successful poop when you only have to wipe once.
hahahahaha your sister just walked down from the guest house with a stain on the front of her shirt and "owned" written in blue sharpie on her forehead. i dont think she knows what happened last night either.
doing shots has become such a natural thing to me that i just instinctively swallowed listerine
im pretty sure all they do is fuck. and talk in baby talk. its two babys fucking basically.
I think i accidentally made vodka pancakes
I'm actually agreeing with glenn beck. What the FUCK was in that margarita?!
I'm not judging you... I'm judging our friendship
No im the worst roommate ever. Just dump a bucket of water on my head at 8am so i can suffer like i deserve to.
I'm thinking about slathering myself with peanut butter and going to the dog park. What's the worst that could happen?
Aaaaaaand, there's the title of my second book. "One Dick. Six Angles."
Well thank god i want six autographed copies
We were watching sports center while I blew him so we could see the football highlights. I missed fall
You know how last week before we left I was drinking outta that blue cup and I left it sitting across the road. Well, it hadn't moved and my family just found it, brought it inside and cleaned it. I think this cup is my soulmate.
Randomize
